Another piece of my homework disguised as a genuine effort to write an article, even if it is something I’ve been meaning to get around to collating for a long time now: A list of regularly used Spanish phrases which are now ready to cross the Channel in their original direct translation, naturally. Please start using them freely and spread the greased-up, olive oil swigging love:

• It’s miles away = It’s up the arse, it’s in the 5th cunt
• He started to go crazy = he started to do the Red Indian
• He acted like he didn’t understand = He made himself Swedish
• I haven’t got a clue = I don’t have a whore idea / Sounds like Chinese
• What the fuck is that?= What cunt is that?
• I’m drunk = I’m fart
• He drinks like a fish = He drinks like a sponge or…He lifts his elbow! (Empina el codo)
• I threw-up (vomited) = I threw out the baby food (papilla)
• He/She’s drunk = He/She’s Breastfed (mamado/a)
• To give a blowjob = To do a breast-feed
• I’m starving = I’m so hungry, you shit yourself
• He’s/it’s a pain in the arse = He’s/it’s a massive cunt!
• Awesome = of the prostitute’s mother
• Shall we get the bill – see how much they’ve ripped us off? = Shall we get the Lady of Sorrows? (La Dolorosa) – See how much they’ve nailed us?
• He’s a good guy = He’s a legal uncle (guy = uncle)
• Hi mate = Hi uncle
• Money = Pasta
• I’m naked = I’m in chopped ball/I’m in balls (Estoy en pelota picada/en Pelotas.
• Those chavs listened to boom boom music music all day = Those chonies listen to chunda chunda music all day.
• I’ve had it up to here with this (job). I’m up to Bernadette’s cunt (el coño la Bernarda)
• It’s not all plain sailing = Not all the mountain is orgasm
• Bugger off = Go and fry asparagus / Go and take it up the arse

Back in the day before being a full time journalist, I used to work in the sales department of a language school based in the UK. Foreign students, intent on learning the English language, would regularly write to me with their queries and over the year that I worked there I accumulated the best of their queries and comments which I feel now I am ready to share, spelling mistakes and all; straight from the foreign horses’ mouths:

1) Dear Mr. Jules! I hope that whith my massage you can finish your planning. Best wishes.

2) hello i am ali that i sent a messege for you yesterday.my brother also wants to come with me in ypur institute and he will survive there just for one month

3) If possible I would like to live in a shiny room

4) I’m allergic to Monkey nuts, species, and hot meals

5) Dear Jules Band, What are you?

6) you have to execute us jond since it is difficult for first timer to choose which is the course?

7) I would like to inform you that since my son Saad changed his 5* accommodation, he isn’t feeling good. He stated that his live was not organized as before. He mentioned that he has to prepare his food, his laundry and other daily housekeeping. Consequently he has decided to return back home.

8 ) Thanks very much and have a nice girl

9) Many thanks for your quick response. You’re so impressive.

10) Enquiry 32 hours per week in turkey preparation

11) He paid a visit me yesterday. I set him an informal english exam. He really satissfied me.

For the past week or so, having become fed up with the cold and high expenses, I’ve swapped the streets of London for the affluent area of Taguig City, part of Metro Manila in the Philippines.

However, as always, just because the surroundings are unfamiliar, it doesn’t mean there’s a shortage of comedy to be had. Indeed being in Manila has provided me with a whole new set of customs and behaviours to pass judgement on. I’ll be doing a Philippines mini-series over the next few weeks to impart any comedy observations. continue reading…

Extensive research of this theme brought me somewhat naturally to my Apple Mac’s built-in dictionary. Its superiority over anything by Collins, Oxford, and not forgetting the Dorling Kindersley Children’s Illustrated Dictionary, or more specifically it’s latin translator, opened my eyes to the origins of the word: Pro (forward) Crastinus (until tomorrow), which in turn got me thinking… it’s been a while since I rearranged my dictionaries and I thought, yes, I will reorganise my dictionaries, tomorrow. continue reading…

I am currently holidaying in France where all the people seem to speak French. I was very disappointed to discover this as i had done the considerate thing beforehand and practised my loud Michael-Caine-in-Italian-Job-style English especially. However, it’s well known that the French are famously protective of their language from the evils of English and it prompted me to do a little research into it… continue reading…

If like me, you would not have a personality of your own if it were not for Alan Partridge, you will not have failed to notice that Mid Morning Matters has been an excellent return to the airwaves for AGP. So here for all FOPs (Fans Of Partridge) are the classic quotes from his latest series Mid Morning Matters. Great for amusing friends by copying and pasting onto Facebook walls, emails, YouTube comments or any other uses that you can think of. Please feel free to add any i’ve missed in the comments…>> continue reading…